Confessions of a Book Store Owner

Sometimes I wonder if the whole thing was a complete accident and not intentional at all. 

I’m thinking about this because I’ve been crying a lot. A diet low in carbohydrates causes a decrease in seratonin production. Because celiac disease may be aggravating my lupus, I can’t eat anything with gluten. No wheat. Essentially, no carbs. I cry a lot. 

I still eat other stuff, though.

But here’s the thing. If you continuously restrict calories— not just carbs, but calories— at some point, you stop having emotions. All the little neurotransmitters and hormones and stuff can’t work right if you’re malnourished, so they just give up. If you stop eating, you stop feeling.

Maybe if you’re sad all the time, not feeling anything is a relief. Maybe your brain likes being numb. So what do you do? Do you stop eating? Nahh, that’s crazy. No one in their right mind wants to starve. But your brain wants to be numb. It’s addicted to it. So what does it do? It convinces you you’re fat. It convinces you that you need to starve. You stop eating, the emotions stop happening, your brain gets what it wants. But you’re never thin enough— you can’t start eating again, or you’ll have to feel things. (This is your brain’s fault. Your brain tricked you.)

And I’m thinking about this now because I am sad. I was gluten intolerant for seven years, and anorexic for the last five. Of course it’s easy to mask an eating disorder when you can’t eat gluten— I mean it’s in everything— but it’s also easier to start. You can’t eat Taco Bell or cake, so what’s the point in eating, and next thing you know, you can’t stop.

So, you know.